Some people think it is hard to make friends. They think that friends are never around when you are looking for them. I am one of those people. I am your average really good looking funny guy with practically a six-pack and everything going for me. I have a great job in the works and have almost gone back to school after my brief break to study what it is like to be in prison. In this essay I will explore how to make friends, obviously.
I first got the idea for this essay when I had no friends and wished there was a guide on how to make friends, and wha-la, now I am writing it. It is a guide that is mostly for me, but I guess others can use it too.
About a year ago I decided to try one of my ideas for friend making, that is, after the three-day waiting period. When I finally picked up my gun from the store they tried to sell me ammo, like what am I? A fool? I rolled my eyes around three times and said, “No thanks, buddy, I don’t need bullets to impress people.” Guns are all about image. If I stuff this gat in my sweatpants, walk into an airport, and try to pass security the beeper will go off. I would say, “Oh, I forgot about my gun.” I would pull it out, and everyone would have this impressed look on their face like, “Where did he even get one of those??” That was my first plan, but the airport was a little far. I ended up just showing it to a bunch of people in the park. The first guy ran away, and the second guy put up his hands in excitement, but then he also ran away. I thought the second guy and I were almost friends, cause I started to jog with him and I was like, “Do you jog with all your friends?” and I think he nodded, but it was hard to tell, he was really far ahead.
Anyways, the gun method had partial success but it mostly just got me arrested. This is when I decided to study what prison is like. Coincidently, I had to go there for a year anyway. It’s hard to know the real reason anyone does anything anymore. But while in prison I thought more about how to make friends. I remember one time I tried to pay someone to be my friend, but I think she wanted to be more than friends. But there are a lot of confusing parts about this method of friend attaining. I didn’t really get it; I don’t recommend it.
Another idea I had for getting friends was to order some. I had just ordered some nice soft L.L. Bean slippers off of Amazon, and I was ready to give them more business. However, now you will see a two star review next to Friends BluRay (whatever that means) because of many reasons. Number one: it is just VHSes of friends, like on the TV and (number two) they don’t even talk to you. But I did give them two stars because they were still really good friends.
My final and best idea for attaining friends is to simply to drink a lot of alcohol. Its funny, but I remember when I was fifteen I saw this movie with this girl. Anyway, some guy couldn’t get any action and then I think he drank a lot and something…. Maybe his father died? Oh wait, no- I have it. Never mind though, I was thinking of something else, it doesn’t matter.
The point is, I have reread this little guide many times and even typed it onto little note cards and put them in my wallet. I add new ideas to the note cards sometimes when I go out drinking alone, but in the morning I look at the paper and I am like “What?” My notes usually say things like "Make yourself a nickname like Moose or Jordan" or "friends don't want to see your calculator, buy a better one". The pick-up lines I have read online don’t work on people either. After you say them sometimes girls hit you and all the time guys hit you. You pretty much are going to get hit a lot in the plight to make friends. But the key is to roll with the punches, because when you do that you look like you are dancing which only further increases your “cool.” Now, I am not saying I am the master at getting friends, but I did write this guide.
All in all, friends are very important. Because if you don’t have friends you end up trying to get them, and it just looks pathetic. This guide I have written is pretty good, but I don’t know if I understand it yet. I just have to wait for that day where the words jump off the page and show me exactly how to make friends. I imagine the words would sprout some legs and make this strip club look similar to a perverted sesame street, you know, with the words jumping around, showing me how to make friends.
Note-Card Notes:
- Give yourself a cool nick name (maybe Moose?)
- Talk about cool inventions you wish were real (metal human wings, helicopter hats etc).
- Don’t insult the alpha-male to show dominance.
- Bring icepack (ask bartender to keep icepack in freezer)
- Don’t always show gun.
- Don’t show them the guide (assume they already have friends and are friend worthy)
- Keep blackouts to a minimum.
