The other day I was thinking and I realized that someday we are all going to die. I tried to look up that day online but apparently it varies from person to person. All googled out, I went downstairs to mope and have a Pop Tart or two. Then while fishing the Pop Tart out of the toaster it dawned on me, light a spark! It was actually pretty intense because the fork flew from my hand and the hair on my head stood straight, and everything hurt. I had realized that there should be a list of things to do before you die. That way, you can complete the list and end yourself already, but you are happy because you don’t even need to be alive anymore.
Round two with google proved to be almost as useless as round one. I found a bunch of lists but they were full of things like “Sky dive” or “travel.” Let me tell you, diving is not only boring, but everyone makes fun of how your six-pack only has one squishy muscle and then you run from the pool and cry in the woods. This is when I had my third revelation of the day. I decided to make my own list of things to do before you die. That way, when I do these things I can’t say, “Who wrote this shit?” unless I am drunk and can’t remember. So, here it is, the list of things to do.
1) Drugs: If movies have taught us anything, it is that drugs are pretty great. The more expensive the drug, the cooler it is. When people are on drugs they do things like have sex, or do more drugs. These other drugs usually lead to more sex or maybe a platinum album. People that die from drugs are always important people too. You can try to argue but: name the last person nobody has ever heard of that died from drugs. You can’t!
2) Sex: Being a writer I usually get laid once, or even twice a day. Usually it is a passing girl who just takes one look at me, and just does me right there. Sometimes other girls join in too. It can get pretty crazy on the subway. Sex is always good, and when you don’t have a condom, make sure you don’t tell her your name, otherwise things can get messy.
3) Love: I forgot to mention that sex without love is a vile and evil act I do not condone or partake in. Although, now that I think about it, I can’t say I have ever been in love. In cartoons when you are in love, there are hearts all over your head or something and you float around. The closest I have come to love I guess would be seeing David Blaine levitate on TV. But I think I was just in love with the “idea” of him, or at least I heard that on Sex and the City one time. That show is very girly.
4) Child(ren): Having a child is something to do before you die for two reasons. The main reason to have a child is you can name it whatever you want. I tried to think of a really funny name for my child but I couldn’t so I just don’t really address it. I say things like, “hey you! Come here!” or sometimes I try out some names, “Jennifer!” or “Chris!” But the baby doesn’t really respond to any of these. Boooring. The other reason to have babies is because sometimes that’s what happens, although I guess technically that’s not a reason.
5) Flashback: This is one of the easier things to do before death because it usually happens right before death. What you do is you have a split-second flashback of your entire life and it eases your mind about the bullet headed your way, or the pill you accidentally swallowed, or the knife in your eye, or whatever. If you followed this list you might also have what google calls “acid flashbacks.” Those are different and not as calming.
I will soon upload this list to my blog so that within hours the whole world will see and follow this amazing list. Someday everyone will be efficiently completing their lives within maybe nine or ten years from birth! It will be a lovely world where no one has to live without love or really fast flashbacks. Sometimes death can be really funny, but then you feel bad. But then you think about that old saying. You know what they say: death is a funny thing, one minute it is here, one minute its gone.
